| shawn ♥ |
no one sees what they saw anymore.
hello, I have moved. |
Thursday, July 20, 2006
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finally im sitting in fronta e com again. here i am, blogging this shit out. this post is not for ppl who don't like reading long post, like me. i woke up early again. i cldnt sleep for e past 4 nights & ironically, im nt sleepy at all. in fact, i feel as if i have had more than 8 hours of sleep. let me count. for e past 4 nights, e no. of hours i've slept is not more than 2-digit. e only thing tht fucking bothers me is im afraid i may get pimples. fuck, i need sleeping pills; this can't go on. i've been doing e triceps dip for e past few days, & now my whole body's aching. this is how things happen. they make ur heart/head ache, they make u scream, they make u mad. but im still clear-headed, at least i cn still type this shit out. sometimes im so neurotic a woman. but i've nt reached tht level of craziness tht u wld find me announcing my own soliloquy. i dont seem t b in good terms w my family except my lil' brother & sis & mom & grandma. i dno whether if this is what a normal teenager has t go through or what. but e more im bcming more me, they wld shw great disapproval. like my elder bro & dad, i feel we're detached emotionally. frm a normal, "hi dad" when he comes hm frm work t nothing but a gaze. each time he gets back frm work, i'll quickly make myself scarce. DON'T ASK ME WHY. occasionally i wld ask myself why am i acting this way, is it me or them? i dont wish for anything bt just a lil' more understanding from 'em. is tht too much? my dad thinks tht im a stubborn holy terror. mayb i am. but im not stupid. just like whtever he thinks will d me good, doesnt mean it is for me. im not tht type t continue stying in e same place just 'cuz it benefits me. i wont b happy. isnt life all abt being happy? i dont wna d sth WRONG for my whole darn life & regret in e future. NO I DON'T WANT. NO I DON'T. they think im wasting my fucking all t cock life away. IM FUCKING NOT FLIRTING W THE DEVIL. me: am i really wasting this year? helena: no urre not. e further u go, e clearer u knw what u wnt. me: (: my mom gets upset/angry when my hair is messy. but e messier my hair gets, e happier i grew. there are more things i wna say, but i think it's better that they're left unsaid. but. things happen. or don't happen. u pick. this cld b my last post for this week. i may not b free t blog since i'll b gg out for e nxt 3 days again. fri - babyshawn sat - germaine, aylwin & junsian sun - celebrating lil' brother's bday w family im beginning t miss home since im like alwys out. so tday im stying home. heavy metal/sceamo music helps me emotionally. im feeling quite empty. my mind in a state of tabula rasa. my memory is failing me. im immersed in myriad thoughts. my head hurts. goodbye. we quarrelled, again. i need a bitch's bastard. but not a neurotic boyfriend. |